DE-Oedapalisation

You see, Men,

are plotted on a schema

saints or sinners

no in between-a

no subtley

what father says goes

Pedos (maternal grandfather) Saints (paternal grandfather)

Jesus was who I wanted to be In my non-binary idiosyncrasy

Goodness repaid with cruelty Became self fulfilled prophesy

Until the tree of life lifted me

no cross of wood

no calvary

As a child of only ten I cried in the pew

as they spoke his torture his fraying sinew

In his own voice

his death by choice

Ten - (The number Artaud spoke of)

between me and Christ there was no time or space

i saw his form, his blood, his face

imagination vivid not easily erased

14 stations of pure bloody cruelty

Stations of the cross a yearly Ode to insanity

A theatre of lashings and blood and panting crowds chanting.

the nature of men sublime or cruel

no in between a binary tool

crucifixion of the holy fool

He was boss

When he was in town

he silenced with a frown

I'd bow like a top down clown

Loathing him

his silencing my being

his glares

Suppression

the oppressive way of seeing

A man from a military line

Proud,

GOOD MEN they say

(not like the other half of my DNA)

slitting throats the heroes way

Glowing service

Impeccable morals

"Saint Grandad"

tripped on his laurels

Fell into a woman

And made another

who was raised alone no sisters of brothers

(all while I was reading - like the book was a god send)

The Sacred Family Imploded

Oedipus Exploded

Mothers words were loaded

Your dad must NEVER know this.

She said once nothing is secret

because marriage is sacred

the holy trinity fragmentated

Holds me no longer

I am stronger

Another man threw Chalk at the boys

Violently

Spun round on his heels suddenly

My memory:

1) Aboriginal boy on a seat

Dust filling his nose

Duster between his teeth

He is suffocating

Please

He'll get sick

I can't move

This theatre of cruelty

Burnt on my memory

Dissociated sensorily

a violent phantom reverie

I can’t breathe

Another memory;

2) I am suffocating In a dream

I wake He is on top of me

"That's rape." says she Eyes wide

How do I feel?

Numb

So none of it is real

Was it my fault for not knowing the deal?

Let me speak

Please

Let me release

The terror that these spectres leave

Then I will cease.

I couldn’t squeak,

I held the hand that gripped my throat

fingers like a vice

The lips that uttered Black words like smoke

be nice be nice be nice

You are shit

Too much Not enough

The problem?

Bad blood

He spat my name in my face

I crumbled

This stupid Irish name

Which I cannot claim

whose curse I bear eternally

ancestors damned infernally

whose voices sing sweetly

in chains of poly nuclei

of rascals and rogues and

indiscreet infidelity and

murder and mystery

Faulty DNA

A family tree

Rotten at its roots

saved sacramentally

In reality - A scape goat

Jesus Christ

Not a whisper of Colonisation- Trauma- War - Famine

Absolutely nothing. (Say it again)

Spiritually cut off

Geologically displaced

Absent knowledge

Of past & place

The faces in the McDonalds

Are pale

Zombie-like

I hide under the table terrified

They call this intensity "Paranoia"

When in fact its stark reality

for someone who knows the violence

Of society

Who is haunted by images of this theatre of cruelty

The spitfires Make me sick

I poke them with A stick

Acid flies

A rhizome Squirming and flailing Spitting

She said she wanted to kill me

I realise that who I am Is not

imperfect or “perverted”

And the actions of the father And the fathers father

Mean more Than is deserved

For they are human they have erred

Let us not long discuss "Bosses" (Management)

Who speak disrespectfully

Who believe in equality

Not equity

Who maintain the hierarchical oligarchy

A lifetime to discover

Why I feel this way

That my flesh doesn't belong to me

that i have no right to say

that they fkd me oedipally royally

for a lifetime of subservience in a body that betrays and wrongs me

I see the fear embedded By this Theatre of cruelty

this mind numbing project to control my trajectory

make me lose my humanity

Recoil when a body is close to me

It claws at my destiny